Putt that phone down!
There are some things you can do at a golf club and some things you can’t. And at the highly exclusive Little Aston Golf Club the latter is definitely the longer list.
Chief among items on that list is a prohibition on the use of mobile phones on the course, in the clubhouse, the changing rooms, on the putting green and most definitely on the terrace.
At Little Aston you can only use a mobile phone if you go to the far end of the car park and then only if you step through an anomaly into a parallel dimension.
So when Challinors partner Baldev Kang finished his round at the recent Bigwood golf day and settled down with a drink on the terrace to listen to his messages on his mobile phone, clearly the powers-that-be must have taken umbrage.
And after he was nearly knocked out and left severely shaken when an umbrella stand on the terrace toppled over and hit him on the head, there was a suggestion that this was divine intervention.
Oh, come on now, even God couldn’t get on the waiting list at Little Aston!
***
News reaches Bright of sniggering a-plenty in the Clarke Associates ranks as their team again took part in this year’s SENSE Charity Golf Day.
The foursome – still reeling from the fact that they somehow contrived to win the event last year – put up a much more average display this time round.
However, team captain and Clarke Associates deputy managing director Mark Whitehouse was quick to come up with a number of, erm, reasons why this should be so.
Top of these was that one of their number – consultant David Beech – had recently purchased the world’s squeakiest pair of golf shoes. Not only did they drown out the sound of surrounding wildlife at the slightest movement, they also looked like something a Russian cosmonaut might have had to wear during the early days of space flight.
The team – also comprising BizTV boss Joe McConnell and property giant Charles Smith – were reduced to tears on several occasions by both the sight and sound of the comedy footwear. Whitehouse wittered: “You had to be there to believe it.”
Other excuses offered by the skipper was the distraction of obscure trivia questions which led to a distinct loss of concentration, duff information given by green staff on the way round and the fact that several times team members were inclined to stand too near their ball. After they’d hit it.
***
And still on golf …
Career-minded types at Allied Irish Bank across the Midlands would do well not to ask how the bank managed to come second in the Birmingham Post Corporate Golf Challenge, despite having the same number of points as the eventual winners MFG Solicitors.
To find the answer we must turn to area director Des Buckley and a missed putt on the 18th green. It meant that Allied Irish tied on 87 points with MFG and they lost out on who had the better score over the back nine holes. Oddly enough, my spies in Allied Irish tell me that no one has since mentioned it!
***
Legendary boxing promoter Ron Gray comes on the phone, and it’s not a mobile.
Ron doesn’t believe in mobile phones.
He tells me he does have one of the “pay when you can, type” but never uses it.
The Cannock-based operator noted: “I keep it in the car just in case there’s a breakdown. I put £20 on it years ago – there’s still £14 there. Not that I’m mean or anything.”
Ah well, Midland lads don’t like to spray the brass around.
Ron’s got his next promotion in the Copthorne Hotel in Birmingham on July 11.
John Conteh, former light heavyweight champion of the world, is the speaker.
***
There are occasions when I’m content to be one of the more mature members of Birmingham’s business community – and one occurred this week.
Hurriedly passing by a city centre gymnasium, I recognised David Neale, a director at the Egbaston-based financial planners, Jobson James, looking rather flushed as he headed for the car park.
Knowing him to be a young thruster, barely into his 30s, I assumed his condition had been induced by the aggravating volatility in the money markets, but I was wrong.
He tells me he is climbing the Matterhorn in early August, to raise a hoped-for £5,000 for SENSE, the national deaf-blind charity on whose regional board he sits.
David did hint that my presence would be welcome on his jaunt into the Swiss Alps, but I declined.
During my younger years in Aberdeen, I did clamber up the occasional hillside, but the thought of now scaling more than 14,000 ft of snow and ice was deeply unattractive.
I think I’ll stick to looking at the chocolate equivalent of the Matterhorn, inside Toblerone packets.
However, I did offer David a donation – assuming he reaches his peak – and for others wishing to learn more about his venture, and the famous mountain itself, he is combining a presentation, with a fund-raising evening, at Hotel du Vin on July 16.
***
Bumped into my old mate Tony Taylor walking up Harborne High Street smiling like a Cheshire cat.
A very fetching pink picnic chair over his shoulder and three very pink throw-away cameras in his carrier bag.
Off to Glastonbury and had decided to treat his daughter Dr Jen to some “female” goodies.
“No I haven’t gone over to the other side yet,” he tells me.
And how did Glastonbury turn out?
Here’s a cut down version of the Taylordiary.
Up at 5am on Friday to beat the rush – on road at 6, there at 8. All the hippies are still in bed as very quiet – park seemingly a million miles away in a field.
Attach rucksack on back, another on front, plus carry wellies and fold-up.
Manage to yomp through reception, walk a mile to the only two square feet left to put up tent – bright pink pushing Breast Cancer Campaign. Dead easy to find – thank God!
Unfortunately 10 yards from constantly (24-hours-a-day) in-use bog. Not pleasant.
Realise earplugs and eye mask I saw daughter packing were an excellent move!
Loudest group were Biffy Clyro.
Could not understand a word they “sang” then realised they were Scots!
Worst moment watching Amy Win(o)ehouse make a fool of herself – Janis Joplin 2.
Second worst moment – losing the plot trying to find way back to tent on Friday.
I blame the beer.
At end joined queue at 1am to leave parking field – finally get on road at 2.10 and in bed 4.20am Monday.
Best food – calorie-free chicken tikka massala.
Bostin’ and very spicy hot – just what the crew needed!
Only got muddy on Friday!
I’ll go again if my kids will take me – Mrs T would run a mile
***
Aidan Burley, a former pupil of King Edwards School in Edgbaston and son of journalists’ pin-up Lois Burley, has been selected as the Conservative candidate for Cannock Chase at the next General Election.
Methinks it could just be helpful to have a mum in PR when the big vote comes round.
These Oxford University types think of everything!
***
The great and the good gathered at the Hyatt Hotel in Birmingham to honour one of the great names from sport.
Many wondered whether he still had all his marbles, should he have retired earlier, and could he still hack it at the highest level?
But that’s enough about compere Gary Newbon.
We were actually there to honour Murray Walker, the iconic motor racing commentator, who was inducted into the Walk of Fame in Broad Street.
At 83, going on 84, he is still as sharp as ever and had his audience enthralled with his insight into Formula 1 and his tales from the pit lane over the years.
Apparently Ayrton Senna and Alain Prost hated each other so much they wouldn’t leave a meeting with the team engineers even after four-and-a-half hours in case the other gleaned some information after the first had left.
Poor Murray was sat, microphone in hand, outside the meeting the whole time, just waiting for a few words with Prost.
Makes Hamilton and Alonso’s little awkwardness last year seem a bit “handbags”.
But back to the main attraction of the evening – “Ledge”, short for Legend, as he is known in the trade.
What a shame that Broad Street manager Mike Olley couldn’t get his name right, referring to him in his introduction as “Ray Newbould” and “Gary Newton”.
Must have been nerves in the presence of such greatness!
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