Sharing the pain of a child's death
Mar 3 2009 Agenda
Following the death of David Cameron’s child Ivan, Christine Bodkin, of Birmingham child bereavement charity Edward’s Trust, reflects on the emotional journey the Camerons have to endure.
An unimaginable grief.
This week the death of one little boy has brought to our attention the grief of one family and with it the acknowledgement there is no death as sad as that of a child. Despite living with the knowledge their son’s condition was life limiting, nothing could have prepared David and Samantha Cameron for their son’s death. While Ivan’s death may have been anticipated, his parents will not have been able to imagine life without him.
Every other bereaved parent will be able to relate to the deep emotions including shock and disbelief that will be felt by the Cameron family in the early days. These powerful emotions will eventually make way to the pain of missing your child and the feelings of grief.
On the day Ivan died, there will have been other parents experiencing the same awful event. There will have been many more parents who know what the day will have been like as they too have been through it. Bereaved parents who have lived with their loss for longer will also know the many different feelings of grief and just how difficult the weeks, months and years following the death can be.
A son or a daughter is your child forever, whatever their age. The death of a child brings with it a grief that is, quite simply, like no other. It is never truly possible to ‘get over’ the loss.
Instead the grief becomes part of your life. We often hear the words “time heals” when we talk about grief. It is not, however, the passage of time that heals grief. It is what happens during that time. Bereaved parents need the opportunity to share their grief and while doing so learn that they must accept that their grief will remain with them forever.
With earlier generations before healthcare had become so advanced, the death of a child was something that happened to most families and consequently there was a common bond of a shared experience. Nowadays for many bereaved parents there is a sense of great isolation.
For the past 20 years Edward’s Trust has been giving support and counselling to bereaved parents. Edward’s Trust was set up directly because of one couple’s experience of the illness and death of their son.
From their own life-changing experience they understood bereaved parents needed support and care beyond the support of family and friends and yet this level of professional advice and counselling was not readily available to them. The voluntary sector has pioneered supporting grieving parents and families through charities like Edward’s Trust. This unique and vital support is needed by bereaved parents, many of whom feel they could not have managed their grief without it.
Edward’s Trust offers various forms of supportive care to bereaved parents for as long as they need it. Whether they are sharing their grief on a one-to-one basis or with other parents there is a strong sense of no longer being alone with their grief.
Death is always a difficult subject at whatever age it occurs. Grief will often remain unspoken and certainly the work of supporting this condition is not easy to promote or highlight. It remains, and indeed should remain, confidential. This is a time to respect privacy but clearly organisations like Edward’s Trust must continue to offer and develop its expertise and skill. Sadly it will remain a fact of life that this service will only ever be from within the voluntary sector.
For bereaved parents, finding ways of honouring the memory of their child is extremely important. This takes many forms and we are very aware how significant it is for bereaved parents to have a focal point for this.
This year Edward’s Trust will open a special place of remembrance at the National Memorial Arboretum in Alrewas. Bereaved families will be able to commemorate the life of their child and have a permanent memorial where they can spend time on special days as well as throughout the year. We know having this special place will mean so much to the parents who we have supported through the years.
We have all been touched by the photograph of David Cameron holding his son. Every other bereaved parent will tell him he will continue to hold his son in his heart, his thoughts and his memories for the rest of his life.
* For further information about the work of Edward’s Trust phone 0121 454 1705; e-mail admin@edwardstrust.org.uk or visit www.edwardstrust.org.uk
