Richard McComb: Half right about The Apprentice

Jun 9 2009 by Richard McComb, Birmingham Post

It has been dubbed the job interview from hell for a very good reason: it leads to the job offer from hell.

The competitors taking part in the latest series of The Apprentice knew they would be put through the ringer during Sir Alan Sugar’s televised selection process to find the next Mini Me.

They will have expected, and no doubt embraced, the experience of being challenged, cajoled, slagged off and publicly humiliated. Such things go with the territory of being a two-second celeb-lite on national TV. As does having a hissy fit, repeating a commitment to going the extra mile and having a good cry. But surely the least Yasmina Siadatan, could have hoped for was a decent posting in Sugar Inc. Beating Cannock ice maiden, Kate Walsh, was some feat.

Seconds after she was crowned and won a mystery £100,000-a-year job with Sir Alan the bearded entrepreneur told Yasmina exactly what she would be doing. Would she be jetting first class to Japan to research developments in the hand-held widget-to-widget multi-media high-definition interface market? Charged with some leading-edge product development in the emerging markets of Grimsby and Cleethorpes.

No, Sir Alan told her – wait for it – that she would be heading up one of his companies, Amscreen Health Care, which sells – a cure for the common cold? pills that promote eternal life? – no, no, no, Amscreen Health Care sells – drum roll, please – digital signage to the NHS. Yes, digital signage to the NHS. Read that again and see if your teeth fall out with boredom: “digital signage to the NHS.”

So that’s it. You’ve proved yourself to be one of the brightest business minds of your generation, scowled at the camera and at your fellow competitors, clawed your way to the top, and your prize is to spend the best years of your life fannying about in GP surgeries and hospital waiting rooms, dodging MRSA, swine flu and mad people, in order to promote the cause of “real time patient information... for effective communications to patients, visitors and staff.”

Yasmina will be working on the 21th century equivalent of slapping up posters on roadside billboards. According to Amscreen, products and services that promote “well-being, health and fitness” can advertise to the sick and dying on Sugar TV. The lists includes councils, dentists and therapists (mental rather than sexual, one presumes), but not vintners, highly effective in promoting my own personal sense of well-being.

Yasmina, poor lass, said she was terribly excited about Sir Alan’s job offer. Off-screen the other contestants heaved a huge sigh of collective relief. Some wept when they realised how close they had come to being shackled with the most boring job in Britain. The Apprentice sounds very exciting – the penthouse, days at the races, the Champers – and makes great viewing. But making large piles of money for someone else requires an awful lot of dull hard work in dull places. People are only half right when they declare that it is the taking part that counts. Sometimes it is also the losing, as Kate Walsh will come to appreciate.