Birthday treat that was just 'chavtastic'
Butlins celebrates its 70th anniversary this year. But when Sid Langley tried one of its breaks it proved more bye-de-bye than Hi-de-Hi...
Thanks to Butlins, our Rebecca isn't going to forget her fifth birthday in a hurry. She stood on her chair while the candles on her special cake burned away and 500-plus people sang Happy Birthday. A family album moment.
We booked into the Bognor Regis park or resort as they call them these days (it's still a holiday camp to me) for three reasons: a) I'd never been before, b) Becc's birthday (they do a special package in the dining hall for a few quid extra), and c) Dick and Dom - formerly of Da Bungalow on Saturday morning television.
So, in the order I Iisted above, here's how it worked out: a) I won't go again, b) brilliant, and c) money for old rope, although the kids adored them. Dick and Dom were, in truth, the main reason for the visit.
Four days in a Gold apartment (the highest level of accommodation available) sleeping six (we had three adults and two kids) cost us £851 plus £15 insurance. Arrive Monday after 2.30pm, leave Friday before 10am, with breakfast and evening meals included.
Considering that 2,600 people went through our dining room at each sitting, the catering was really very good. It's done in food court style, with a huge help-yourself buffet choice and catering for everyone from fussy semi-vegans (that's me) to even fussier grandchildren (one of ours).
All the staff in the dining hall were cheerfully helpful, with tables promptly cleared.
An excellent idea is that all the kids get a special card encouraging them to eat fruit and vegetables, all part of the five a day drive. They get the card stamped according to the portions they've had at each meal.
They can exchange full cards for badges at the camp (sorry, resort) shop. Our two were mad keen and it certainly encouraged a wider choice of vegetables than normal.
One of the great attractions of this sort of holiday is the free entertainment - loads of group activities for kids plus puppets, wandering street clowns, a pretty naff Bob the Builder show with a green message, free fairground rides, D&D and, of course, the famous Redcoats. They were universally great and excellent with the kids. I look forward to seeing some of them on the box in three or five years.
There are bags of shops, bars and seaside-style attractions at Bognor in the Skyline Pavilion, a giant Millennium Dome-ish tent-like structure. The other big attraction is the splash pool, packed with lifeguards, slides, flumes and a pool that produces excellent wave effects.
The "theatre" where Dick and Dom did their show and plugged their new DVD is like a giant working men's club (non-smoking at one end). They threw baked beans and water into the crowd and ended with underpants on their heads. And they shouted "Bogies" a lot.
Just what you'd expect if you've seen them on the box. They received a pop star-style reception.
There are C-list attractions on stage every night - our Eurovision entrant for this year and someone who used to be in a big rap crew, that sort of thing, as well as bands doing pop songs from previous decades, muzak for the Now That's What I Call Music generation.
There was also a nostalgia show recalling English history and the war years. That proved spookily appropriate, because one feature of our four days in Butlins echoed the spirit of the Blitz in one particular way - the queues.
The one for the Dick and Dom show was spectacular, snaking all the way round the Skyline Pavilion. The queue for the pool stretched way back into the same pavilion at times. We gave up trying to get on some of the fairground attractions (good name for a band) because of the queues and the crush at the bars became really tedious.
Talking to some Butlins regulars (and one Redcoat) it seems that the overwhelming pressure of numbers has only come up this year. Never happened in previous years, people in the pool queue told us. We were seldom able to get a changing cubicle.
I suspect Butlins may have shot themselves in the foot at Bognor with the opening of a new hotel on the site. For a few dollars more hotel guests get to enjoy all the resort facilities. The queues seem to be the result.
Other minus points - our scruffy non-smoking accommodation stank of cigarettes, there was no toaster, towels weren't replaced by the housekeeping service, the reception procedure was a total shambles (our apartment wasn't ready), and Dick and Dom.
Plus points - the catering, the staff, next to the beach, the party facility and Dick and Dom.
