A better class of holiday cabaret

By Chris Faulder

If you like to be entertained every night on your holidays, you could get yourself away to a holiday park where the staff will usually provide some kind of cabaret to fill each evening.

That’s one option – not one that I’d go for, it has to be said – but another type of entertainment break appealed to me much more.

We Do Weekends from Warner Breaks is a great idea. They’ve taken a selection of stunning hotels set in beautiful countryside, thrown in some top-notch food and then invited some of the country’s best-loved entertainers to come along and wow the adult-only hotel guests.

Included on their roster this year have been Suzi Quatro, Bill Wyman and his Rhythm Kings, Aled Jones, Alexander O’Neal, Jasper Carrott with Phil Cool, and Toyah Wilcox.

I would perhaps have chosen a musical break, but when I saw that Paul Merton and his Impro Chums were doing a spot at Littlecote House in Berkshire, I just had to go for it.

Littlecote House is a dreamily beautiful grade one listed manor house that has hosted King Charles II and Elizabeth I, whose guest room, I was told, is decorated as it was when she stayed here back in the late 1500s.

Set in rolling countryside, surrounded by walled gardens with a lovely stream running through it and a spectacular Roman mosaic just outside the main grounds, this is a truly amazing place. It even has a bird of prey sanctuary, run by a very talkative Geordie.

I had been under the impression that we’d be staying in the manor house itself. Unfortunately, though there are suites available in the main house, we’d been allocated a room in the vast extension which Warner Breaks has added since buying the property.

I was rather disappointed, but our tastefully decorated, spacious, modern room overlooking the stream did help to offset that let-down somewhat.

We took a quick look around before getting ready for dinner, which was served in an enormous hall, called the Popham Restaurant. A tempting and varied menu was available, or you could self-serve at the carvery.

The food was great and was washed down with some fine chilled wine picked from an extensive list, which got us loosened up for the evening’s entertainment.

Topping the bill the first night in the on-site theatre was a Madness tribute band, Ultimate Madness, who were decent enough, playing after the staff entertainers had warmed up the crowd.

During the day at all of Warner Breaks’ hotels there are loads of things to do. As it’s all in the price – archery, air rifle shooting, two full-size snooker tables – just turn up for some thoroughly enjoyable activities.

The hotel has its own indoor swimming pool, gym, steam room and sauna too, and if you’re willing to part with a few quid they also have spa treatments, manicures and massages.

We were eager to learn more about the history of this fantastic building, so we turned up for the hourly tour hosted by a very well-spoken woman who used to be employed by the previous owners, the De Savery family, for whom she clearly holds a great deal of affection.

The tour could have been more history-based but after our guide had mentioned that Littlecote House is reputedly the most haunted house in Britain, most people wanted to know more about that.

All in all, the tour was well worth it and it occurred to us that, for the hotel guests at least, it is basically an open house where you can come and go as you please.

The Roman mosaic near the house was a revelation. Unearthed then lost and rediscovered by chance just a few years ago, this is the most complete mosaic of its kind in the whole of Britain.

It is absolutely huge and superbly detailed. It looks as though it could’ve been laid yesterday – that’s how perfect it is.

After another delicious dinner, Saturday night in the theatre was the main event of the weekend – Paul Merton’s Impro Chums.

It took on the format of the TV show Who’s Line is it Anyway. We thought it was great, really worth it. However, you couldn't say the same about the Sunday night bill.

We were subjected to a truly dire "comedy" double act – I won’t name them – whose "jokes" never raised themselves above the following giddy heights . . . Question: What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Answer: Outlaws are wanted! These guys didn’t die on that stage, they happily committed suicide.

Well, they would have if the entertaiments manager hadn’t pulled the plug just as the theatre became half-empty.

Not a great end to the weekend, but fairly amusing – in the wrong way again – all the same.

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TRAVEL FACTS

• Chris and partner Amina travelled by train to London with GNER: advance purchase return fares from North-east stations to London start from £20 Standard Class or £59 First Class, with further discounts for online booking. Book via www.gner.co.uk, call 08457-225 225 or visit any staffed rail station

•  We Do Weekends breaks start at £269 per person for three nights, based on two sharing, with dinner, bed and breakfast, entertainment, activities and use of leisure facilities included. A We Do Weekends brochure is available from Warner Breaks on 0870-264 0263, or visit www.warnerbreaks.co.uk 

• Littlecote House Historic Hotel is a no-smoking hotel and is about two miles outside Hungerford in Berkshire. Trains from London cost £20 return.